Embracing the Journey Through Darkness

The Complexities of Loneliness

There are seasons of life that don’t just slow you down — they stop you. Seasons where everything you love and everything that makes you feel alive — your art, your energy, your creativity — fades into silence. That’s where I’ve been.

For months, I’ve been out of commission. Depression, sickness, loss, and betrayal have all come at once. It feels like trying to breathe through a thick, enveloping fog.

💔 Sometimes Loneliness Doesn’t Make Sense

One of the hardest parts of this chapter in my life has been the strange ache of feeling lonely despite being surrounded by people. I’m never truly alone; I have three children, a supportive family, and a constantly full house. Yet somehow, the louder life gets, the more I retreat inward.

I’ve caught myself craving solitude, even amid a crowd. I sit with that ache because sometimes it’s the only way to process it. But in the same breath, all I want is to scoop up my kids, snuggle them, and breathe in their warmth — while simultaneously wishing for a moment of peace from the never-ending noise they create. It's contradictory, confusing, and yet completely honest.

🕯️ Grief That Could’ve Been Prevented

This season brought an unimaginable loss: the death of my friend and sister-in-law under tragic and completely avoidable circumstances. Such loss left many of us with sharp pain and an even heavier burden of guilt.

Could we have done more? Should we have been kinder, or seen it coming sooner? These questions echo in the quiet spaces of our grief. It's layered; it's not just sadness. It's a tangled mix of helplessness, injustice, and the ache of unanswered questions.

🌧️ When the Whole House Gets Sick

To complicate matters, sickness cycled through my entire family for several months. One child would recover, only for another to fall ill. Then it would be my turn, followed by my partner. Over and over, it felt like a cruel merry-go-round of fevers and utter fatigue.

Adding to the strain, I had a horrible falling out with someone I loved and trusted — a family member who took advantage of my willingness to help them and ended up taking much more from me than I ever agreed to give. This repeating pattern needed to come to a end at some point. I’ve learned an invaluable lesson that relationships cannot be a one-way street forever. You can give and give until you’re empty, and eventually, there is nothing left to give.

You have to protect yourself, prioritize your peace, and start thinking about what truly matters to you. For me, that's my children. Being a good mother is my one truly important task in life. After that comes my art. We all must learn to cut out toxicity and move forward with grace and growth.

💀 The Death of Motivation

Over the past few months, I stopped doing everything that once brought me joy and a sense of identity. No painting. No exercising. No progress in my business. Not even basic self-care.

Depression and burnout crept in like a fog, slowly stealing my spark. I have gained weight — a surprise that’s never pleasant. I feel tired all the time. Everything I loved doing just slipped through my fingers, and I lacked the strength to get out of bed.

🌸 Starting Over From the Ashes

But here I am. Not fixed yet. Not back to 100%. But at least I am trying. The sickness in my house is mostly gone. The fog is lifting, even if just a little.

I’m reminding myself that it's okay to be slow in picking myself up. There’s no need to “bounce back” and be superhuman. I just need to move forward, one step at a time. I want to be better today than I was yesterday.

I haven’t painted in months, so I plan to start by posting something I created earlier this year. It’s a piece I made for my grandmother. The painting features a shadowy, wispy silhouette of her mother — Hazel — against a backdrop of pink skies, mountain ranges, flowered meadows, and lake reflections. I titled it “Hazel Heaven.”

This artwork reminds me of the mountains where I come from. Perhaps now it can symbolize a more beautiful future, a future I'm determined to find.

🌄 If You’re in the Darkness Too…

If you’re feeling the weight of depression, family grief, betrayal, or burnout, remember you’re not alone. These emotions are complex, and the journey to healing doesn’t follow any rigid timeline. There is no “right way” to come back. There’s only your way.

Start with one small thing. A deep breath. A warm cup of tea. A single stroke of paint. You are not broken. You are becoming.

We all come into this world expecting perfection, but as life wears us down, leaving us broken, try to remember the beauty of Japanese ceramics (called Kintsugi). Shattered plates or bowls are repaired using gold, leaving them scarred but somehow more beautiful than before. Their wounds make them unique and valuable, weighted with gold that holds the memories of being broken.

Don’t let your brokenness lead you to give up entirely. Just put yourself back together, and this time, do so with gold.

You, like me, are a masterpiece in progress.

With Love,

Chej

P.S. If you’re looking to create your own art and need supplies, there are many great resources online. I often scour Facebook Marketplace for people’s throwaways, but if you prefer new items, I recommend Blick Art Supplies. They are affordable and offer a wide selection. I source 90% of my materials from Blick.

P.S.S. If you or anyone you know wants to learn how to paint and draw and actually make a career with your art, check out the Milan Art Academy, where I studied (besides watching countless Youtube tutorials). The folks at the Milan Art Institute reject the 'starving artist' myth, and every lesson is designed to pave the way for your long-term success. We can all make a living with our art, especially in a world where we can connect with others globally in seconds.

If you want to donate/leave me a tip, you can do so at https://buymeacoffee.com/chej.

AFFILIATE LINKS WILL SHARE A PORTION OF THEIR PROFITS WITH ME WHEN USED, BUT YOUR PRICES WILL NOT BE AFFECTED.